school of the heart.

April 29, 2011

this little piece of art has spoken deeply to my heart lately. in the area of life direction/aspiration…i’ve needed some heart-speaking-to.

it’s really difficult and hurtful to feel like a disappointment to people that you love. to feel like where you are or where you’re headed isn’t enough, isn’t beautiful, isn’t worthwhile, isn’t acceptable, even if for no other reason other than that it’s part of YOU and your journey.

my housemate and “soul sister” molly shared with me tonight while holding back tears: “when you’re at larche and when you’re talking about larche…i don’t see the hurt and struggle in the other parts of your life. there’s something about you that comes alive in a really beautiful way. and there’s NOTHING wrong with that.”

she said it. it is what it is. i don’t have a 401k. i don’t have savings. i don’t have a 5-year plan. i don’t have furniture. i don’t have a husband or a family of my own. i’m a $500 plane ticket away from most of the people i know and love. it’s grey and cold and depressing here. i make didly squat in the way of financial compensation. but despite its mystery and potentially illogical nature, there’s something about my life and it’s direction and it’s peace that just makes sense in my soul…even if it makes no sense at all to anyone else.

where i am and what i’m doing and why don’t make me an awesome person. i have plenty of selfish motivation for a lot of what i do in life. i’m not saving the world…and i’m not out to. im no saint in my own doing. i just ended up here and i’m trying to do what feels right in my spirit…even if it hurts and makes no sense. and i think i’m in a good place.

here…we love each other and eat each others cooking and say it was good. some days i get to cut folks hair, go see a movie,  shred paper, have a drink at starbucks, shop for food, make art together, make coffee together, eat meals together, walk around the mall, sing songs together, or lie on a blankets in the grass surrounded by empty wheelchairs. other days we have dance parties, go for walks, watch little house on the prairie and charlie brown and barney, bake bread together, have some great laughs in the bathroom, look ridiculous in public because it doesn’t really matter after all, yell and push and kick and scream cause we don’t get what we want, or we hold each other tightly and cry because our brains and bodies aren’t working like we want them to and it’s frustrating.

those things may not be impressive to the CEO of a major company. they may not land me any kind of great insurance. they may not make me very “marketable.” but they are invaluable to me. and they make sense to me. i’m presently a student at the school of the heart. and that is just fine with me. it is enough for me. i am enough.

“may we be set free from the tyranny of believing that we are what we do.” 


3 Responses to “school of the heart.”

  1. Beth said

    Precious, friend-
    I’m not sure the sources of your worriers or doubters, but I want you to know and believe that your sweet passion and genuine soul are right where they are supposed to be. Last time I checked Jesus is the granter of peace and wisdom, not a 401K or impressive bank account. I feel sorrow for folks who believe it to be the other way around…Live your life for the fulfillment of your heart and the relationships you make and you will be very, very rich in the spirit. The rest will fall together as it should be…
    Loving you much from the east coast.

  2. kelli said

    My dearest Al –
    I’m so thankful to have read this, and to know you, and to know the place that you call home.
    I cried. This is truth. Molly has spoken truth into your life and there is no doubt in my mind that God has you right where he wants to so that he can mold your heart of clay. What a phenomenal potter he is. I look forward to seeing what he creates over the next season of life.
    I think of you often as I look to the north – I know you’re sleeping there in that quaint white house with Rachel 5 feet away to hug you when you need it. As I would if I were there. 🙂
    Friend, you are an encouragement.

    “The test of an adventure is that when you’r ein the middle of it, you say to yourself; ‘Oh now I’ve gotten myself into an awful mess. I wish I were sitting quietly at home.’ And the sign that something’s wrong with you is when you sit quietly at home wishing you were out having lots of adventure.” -Thorton Wilder

    Yours truly – Kelli

  3. lauren nicole langston. said

    this is lovely, al.

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