yay for discussions of Mark. yay for adoptive and foster parents and all that they sacrifice and love. i’m running again. thankfully. finally. hopefully david will fix my bike and i will be riding again also. yay for Kate’s ballet recital this weekend…i might cry…or laugh a lot. sweet sweet little girl. hard to believe she will be 4 this month. yay for selling a ton of cd’s to vinyl fever tomorrow. yay for simplifying and getting rid of crap i don’t need…and never really needed actually. i think i was meant to be born in the 70’s and in the mountains. i will continue to buy hippie skirts and visit the rockies until i permanently return to both of these. yay for arriving in rocky top once again a week from this very moment…it will probably be my favorite trip/weekend of this summer. (omg so excited) i think i fall in love with jake and nat more every day. what beautiful people! i hope dallas works out this fall. what an amazing season of life that would be… internship has been crazy. day 4. i’ve already seen tears, handcuffs, saved babies, and future homes of adopted colombian children. we live in a broken world full of broken people…that’s what it all boils down to. i just hate that the innocent ones suffer from generational sins…but it’s exciting to see so much room for good and learn of so many people/organizations who want to make things better. ultimately we’re here to give God glory, to love and serve him with our lives. but we’re also here for each other. let’s use us! 

so three concepts i’m currently trying to wrap my head around…
1) “what’s mine is yours”…what a crazy concept. all-encompassing, no exceptions…my jelly is your jelly, my cd’s are yours…my bed, my books, my shower…”my”…what a funny word. none of it is ours anyway. so we might as well share it, right? regardless of how much “we spent” on it or how hard we worked for it…irrelevant. 
2) “overcome evil with good” this is so unnatural to us. well…to me anyway. natural – vengeance or retaliation…in all aspects of life…it is so hard to overcome that…all boils down to my massive pride…gross. “love must be sincere, hate what is evil, cling to what is good.” (romans twelve)
3) “being set apart” (aka being in the world but not of it.) as Shane would put it…“Israel had been taken out of the empire, but the empire hadn’t been taken out of them.” i want the empire to be taken out of me. i don’t want to fit in, i don’t want to accept or settle or compromise because it’s easy….in EVERY aspect of life…yet the line i’m finding difficult to define is between the strong conviction of the life to live and the humility of knowing that just because i am so strongly convicted…doesn’t mean i have it all right or that everyone else will believe as i believe or want to live as i am trying to live…

I wish i could control my dreams. i would definitely pluck certain things from them if i could. however i do have quite amusing dreams…like alligators wanting to date me…and mother theresa asking me if i was eating well when i told her i was having a hard time hearing God’s voice…so strange…so random. i wish i could have hung out with that woman…

You can download free music at these websites…i highly recommend both:
http://www.myspace.com/zacharyplayguitar 
http://www.arthuralligood.com
DO IT. they are my friends. they are oh so talented. beautiful people.  

 

i’m so excited about life. i can’t even handle it right now. oh man, Jesus. you’re so good. ❤ 

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lately i’ve had this urge to blog…what is it about expressing your thoughts for the world to see that’s such a release? not sure…i have been hesitant for purposes of making sure my intentions were pure. i used to blog for the purpose of simply venting…i hurt people intentionally. this is not for that. i just think a lot and like to share it with other people for whatever reason. i don’t matter…but i still like to talk…and to know what you’re thinking too.

I am finally debt-free and the apple is paid off. feels good. i just bought an $8 skirt at an antique store in downtown deland today made in India…it’s flippin sweet. lions, ferries, and butterflies. i’ve been looking up jobs in other states. lunch today with brother and dad was so yummy from boston coffeehouse…fave deland spot for sure. walked around downtown with the brosef to stall so he didn’t have to go to 3rd period. oh high school. speaking of which…visited my alma mater today…saw Coach Calloway, thankfully he didn’t see me. i don’t think i was his favorite…i just wanted to have fun.  it’s very nice to be home this time. it feels much more relaxing and welcoming than past times. nice not to worry about going back to school or work in tally considering they are both over for good. visited mom in the hospital last night. she’s the best nurse i know of, and i’m so very proud of her and how she loves people who are not so loving…despite the fact that it’s their fault for smoking themselves into a hospital bed. pray for nurses. they deal with a lot. i have many memories in this town, though they feel so very far away. i’m remembering people like Kevin, Brannon, Nathan, Christa, Katie, Justin, among others. speaking of Justin…I hope to make it to the Stetson baseball game saturday to see him play. that was a favorite past time…though seeing your best friend from high school play college ball is slightly different sensation. 

Change is crazy. so many things in and around me are changing so drastically and so fast. its been a ride…and this year will most likely prove to be most ridden with change than any other of my life. here it comes. Sarah left me for Orlando and boy…those were hard tears to cry, a reminder that we’re growing up and things will never be like they used to be. care-free road trips to far away shows…weeknight dinners…going to church together. leaving sbg was hard also…tears i didn’t expect to cry…3 years is a long time to work somewhere when you’re so young. more changes to come. internship should be a challenge…emotionally, not to mention working 40-hour weeks with little compensation beyond the knowledge of the good of what those people are doing in our broken world. 

Lewis and Clarke. most beautiful music i’ve heard. listen. 

no one in tallahassee is the same as a year ago…everything has changed. i feel surrounded by so much apathy most of the time and it is disheartening, not to mention contagious i feel. i desire passion. reckless love. selfless love. lead by example i guess…i have not been a very good example as of late…i’m not sure why that is. lnl and i will be studying Mark together this summer…I am pumped to examine the life Christ lived and hopefully be encouraged and challenged to exemplify that life in the everyday. that’s when it’s the hardest. lately i have found how much easier it is to love and keep in contact with those less near to me. i am reexamining my love for those closest to me…in proximity and relation. i don’t know why it is so hard. i think i am just spoiled with their love and company and i take them for granted.

if i have ever done or said things to hurt you…to neglect you…to make you feel unimportant, unappreciated, unloved, or any other un’s….i am sorry from the bottom of my heart. though i don’t deserve it…give me a second chance? (or 3rd, or 500th) I watched the nooma – “Lump” last evening. what a beautiful picture of grace. no matter what we do…Dad says “you could never do anything to make me love you less.” I so deeply desire to love others with that love. Lord, change my heart…purify me, help me to deny myself, cleanse me from within and make me more like You. 

i found out some crazy things today about the church. Shane Claiborne talks about how he has trained his brain to refer to the church as a single being…and not many divided ones…i am trying to do the same. part of the church here in Deland is so broken and disintegrating. it has been very sad to hear. maybe a pastor has good intentions in taking down the american flag from the sanctuary…i do agree that the church was not meant to be a political place…and that God considers the whole world his country…not just the U.S….but i also believe that pastors should never receive death threats for taking such actions. what a sad church we are when we threaten the lives of our shepherds…despite their actions. i also found out that my own life was threatened to be taken when i was young and living in my birth town…how a father stays a pastor after something like that i do not know. Lord, bless them and keep them. Father forgive us…for we know not what we do. 

my father taught on reconciliation last evening. he shared with me his teaching…how the earliest translations of the Bible do not say “if your brother sins against you” but simply…”if your brother sins” to go to him in love and plead with him for truth, repentance, redemption. if he does not listen, to take a bother with you. and if he still does not listen…to take it to the church. if still he does not listen…disassociate with him. strong words. God of wrath…I do not understand your sovereignty…help me to trust in Your truth. sustain me with Your love when the world comes up empty. answer our questions, still our fears, love the ones i cannot love in my stead. You already do…